I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
