Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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