Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
