I faked an abortion last night.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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