i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
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Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
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Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
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