after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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