letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
