He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Duck Duck Cougar?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
