he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
