If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
