my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
