wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
