Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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