Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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