my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
