I need to stop coming to work sober
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
