When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
