Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
