I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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