Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
