He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
