: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
