I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
