She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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