dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
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