That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
