No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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