moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
