I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
