I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
