burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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