My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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