I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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