for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
