I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
