he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
