i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
