woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
