Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
