how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
