tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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