can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
