She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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