I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
