Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
