were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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