you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
