they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
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I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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