You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
