my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
