Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
