I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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