Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
