My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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