nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
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